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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Moms vs Dads

So since the kids have gone back to school I have noticed and increasing popular occurrence in their morning routines. I have 4 kids...yes 4, and they all have very unique ways of getting on my damn nerves. (and making me feel loved) for instance one of my kids takes forever to eat because it will attempt to stare into your soul, one of my kids says "huh" four or five times after everything it is told, one of my kids picks one instrument in a song and hums it over and over and the last kid thinks it is an adult and makes executive decisions for itself. I’m sure all parents experience these sorts of things. The growing trend I have noticed though, is how my wife and I decipher there blahblahnometery that these children spew forth at us. We can both hear the exact same sentence and get two totally different interpretations. Here is an example.

Kid - “mom, blah blah blah school blah blah rugby practice blah blah yard waste?"

What Mom hears - "Excuse me madam, but I need to inform you of these incredibly important documents that were brought to my attention this morn. I most begrudgingly apologize for not giving them to you when you were going thru my personable afore night."

What Dad hears - “hey birthing unit. I see that you are rushing around and late and all that importunateness but I need to stop you and talk to you about something completely irrelevant to anything having to do with school, you, me, work or life in general. As a matter of fact I have been so busy eating/saying huh/humming/filing my enolment paperwork that I didn’t even think of this until you were walking out of the door."

It is motherly love, I know, I get it. My mom probably deciphered the incredibly intelligent remarks made by young me differently than my father did. Actually my dad probably heard something like this...

Me - "hey mom and dad, can I have a cookie"

Dad - "hey mom and dad, is there something I can clean?"

It’s all relevant I suppose. My wife is an amazing mother in every single aspect of the word, she has motherly love goggles and more than anything I envy her patience. I’m glad that my kids have her because I would’ve traded them for a Lamborghini with Pegasus skin interior a long time ago.

On another semi-related note...you ever notice how someone’s look change to you when their attitude changes?

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Guns & Movies: Get Merked. (PT. 1)

No surprise here but not only am I a movie junkie but I am also a gun fanatic. Over the years rare or unique weapons in movies have become something that I look forward to seeing. With the entire fucked up gun mistakes in movies it’s nice to see good guns that stay the same gun throughout the entire movie. Whether you know this or not, movies with any sort of budget are able to hire armorers for the set. Making sure that the accuracy and all out awesomeness of the guns in the movie isn’t totally out shadowed by the .05 seconds of tits. Even as a kid my dad and I would always rush to name the guns used in movies. Here’s a list of my favorite guns in movies.

Holy Shotgun w/Dragon Breath Flamethrower
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John Constantine, Constantine
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I don’t plan on ever committing suicide, coming back and feeling the need to kill demons for retribution. That being said, if that ever happened I would definitely want the Holy Shotgun to deal death with. This golden contraption built with holy relic’s punches holes through legions of half breeds, and the drum mag makes it appealing to any gun enthusiast. Equipped with the optional dragons breath flame thrower and slugs carved with crosses this gold gem fucks demons up. (But couldn’t save that kid from transformers)

Custom Rocky Mountain Arms Patriot Pistols
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Murphy, 3000 Miles to Graceland
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I remember being amazed the first time I watched the scene where these little beasts popped out. At the time I was like "holy shit those are some tiny m16's" it wasn’t until a lot later that I figured out there were a billion different m4, m16 variants, including these easily concealed monsters, regardless drum mags on Patriot Pistols matched with Elvis costumes....EPIC. (Matched with a black Elvis, 5 times as epic)

Cheytac M-200 Intervention
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Bob Lee Swagger, Shooter
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Even though Marky Mark never actually bodied anyone with this gun in the movie, he did shoot a can of stew from a mile away, and started swinging it around the mini courtroom. The gun is just badass period. Also as far as I can tell it hasn’t been used in any other movies, at least none that I have seen. Has been in a few video games though, pwns newbs.

Matilda
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Allan Quatrain, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
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First of all I have to say that if this gun was wielded by anyone other than Allan Quartermain, than not a fuck would have been given. It’s an old school gun that frankly rather confused me by the whole double barrel thing it had going on, but when Quartermain gunned down the bad guy at however far away he was, I was an instant fan. Quartermain was even able to teach the trigger happy Tom Sawyer how to use it, a feat on its own.

Saiga 12
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Hackman, Gamer
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In real life this is one of my favorite guns. I have heard of the Saiga before but after seeing it used by the Russian Spetznaz in deadliest warrior I become a fan boy. Naturally as soon as Hackman walked out with it, the movie became a million times more interesting. A semi auto shotgun with a drum mag...Get the fuck outta here. It may actually be in Terry Crews contract that he requires semi/full auto shotguns in his movies...mowing down enemy soldiers in The Expendables with the AA-12 was head to head with this selection...personal favoritism put the Saiga on the list.
EM-1 Rail gun
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John Kruger, Eraser
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Fictional yet fucking fresh. Gun fanatic or not, if you watched this movie you wanted to go down to the docks and shoot people through the walls.

M56 Smartgun
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PFC J. Vasquez, Aliens

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After I watched this movie as a kid I made this gun with wrapping paper rolls, duct tape and misc. Styrofoam. It’s a bad ass piece of machinery. Nowadays I would suggest something a little more compact since this weapon had more bark than bite, but still. Fucking aliens up.

Beretta 92FS (modified)

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John Preston, Equilibrium
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Christian Bale goes ham with these pistols. There’s been a barrage of modified 92fs' in movies. (Robocop, judge dread...) but it’s the way the grammerton clerics wield this version is what made me love them most, and put this movie in my top 10 favorite action flicks of all time. (My little brother introduced this movie to me, thanks Ant)

there’s actually quite a few other guns but every time I sit down to write this I get an overwhelming urge to clean my 9mm or watch Commando so I will stop here and this will be part Uno.


*edit this is the first time I have used spellcheck. Usually I just dont give a fuuuuuck. *Snoop Dog voice.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Coming October

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it was about time right?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Another Gem Stumbled Apon via Netflix

flipping through the ridiculously long list of b movies, movies from the prohibition era and any film that 50 cent has ever starred in...i came across this gem of a flick.

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MOTHERFUCKING DREAM HOME...

holy shit. lets start out by letting those of you who don't know me in on a very well known fact about me. i am a movie buff. but first and foremost i am a horror movie afficiando. (currently waiting for 3 movies to arrive via amazon so that i can make sure i have my top 10 favorites of all time, then that will be a post.)i love a good horror movie, whether it be teenagers getting slashed up by inbreds in a rural forest or a creepy Japanese girl crawling down the stairs upside down...im all in. what i have noticed in the past few years is that the original foreign version of most of the american horror films seem to be loads better. (haha i said loads) the original version of Let Me In,(let the right one in) the original version of The Ring,(ringu) instant classics for me. figuring this out has immensely opened my eyes to foreign films in general. leading me to Dream Home. found this trolling through the otherwise mediocre horror movie section of my netflix instant queue.

This movie is about a chick grinding to get her dream home. as in most foreign films i miss allot of the subplot...even main plots sometimes, i think mainly do to a difference of culture and how things are explained. i never figured out what this broad wanted a 6.3 million dollar flat, my guess was because she grew up poor, but i will tell you that she will do anything to get this home. Anything. i don't want to ruin the movie as i will recommend this movie to everyone i know. especially horror fans (Marcus, Dain, Sonia!) but i will give my opinion on a few things. first of all the movie streams in HD, and is beautifully shot. this alone can suck me into even the most mediocre movie. second, people get fucking merked son. real talk. third, one of the victims had a Wale shoe collection. stood out. if you read my blog you know i keep shit short, so if you have netflix, watch it. if not find it. it will be worth the trouble. (unless you cant read good.)

some insight...

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the lengths you women will go to impress us. oh yeah...in the movie she was completely naked, guess this slipped past the editors which would usually drop it a point or two but...fuck it.

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sucks to be this guy. in more ways then one...

im giving this movie 8.5 hentai tentacles out of 10. the story was kinda hard to follow at the beginning. and i just realized that there is blurred out boobies on the cover.

Monday, September 5, 2011

How Far Will They Take This Skinny Jean Thing?

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not that i really give a shit, truthfully. i mean i get it, styles go around in a complete circle...it was cool for kids to wear tight jeans when i was in the 4th or 5th grade, i guess parents and other adults felt the way about it too. my personal opinion is that i don't give a fuck about anything that doesn't affect my life. you putting your nuts in a vice wont hurt my sackage. player.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Worst Movie I Have Ever Watched.

so while im sitting here trying to decide what are my favorite horror movies of all time...i suddenly get a flash of a flick long forgotten. A flick that failed at even the most rudimentary photoshop and cgi effects...all though given a budget large enough to air commercials on primetime tv. (thats what got me) a script that could've been written by a 7th grader and a cast that belongs in commercials or infomercials...that might be a little harsh, ok a cast that belongs in straight to dvd flicks. which should have included this movie but somehow it made it to the theater. i am in fact quite happy about the fact that i didnt go watch this in the theater, not only would i have been ashamed, and ridiculed by everyone who knows me, but i would probably have been impeached.

this 90 minute barrage of modern day fuckery, is none other than....

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90 minutes. such a minute fraction of time when you compare it to the grand scale of how many hours we spend not really doing shit in the first place right? i mean...i have spent more than ninety minutes trying to decide what i want to eat for dinner, or thinking about how amazing it would be to grow a mullet, perm it, dye it ancient man white and put lightning bolts in the side. actually i probably spend more than ninety minutes a day thinking about that.....hmmmmmmmm.....the possibilities.

anyhow, back to this motion picture equivalent of scat porn, i was fucking amazed at the sheer lack of any sort of aspiration show by anyone remotely associated with this film. i actually meant to write this awhile ago but figured there had to be something worse, i tell you my friends there is no way in hell someone can top this syfy debacle. lets start off by going into the special effects since as technology progresses special effects have become a huge part of why i watch movies. cgi is the eye candy for imagination. if done properly it can make a movie rating of a 6 get a 7-7.5. (atleast in my opinion) special effects main purpose is to capture what your imagination cant, atleast in a movie. when i read the book Dreamcatcher i almost had the exact same images in my mind that the movie portrayed. win. i dont know if there was a book for Dragon Wars but i can only imagine what kind of spunk dripped on paper pages that couldve been but i assure you my imagination wouldve atleast done a better job visually.

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its shit like this dragon wars...the lighting is fairly good but to me doesnt resemble any species of dragon that i have encountered.

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let me get this straight this 5 ton dragon (approx) is clutched to the side of an apache cuz its that strong but it is incapable of piercing the windows or armor? the raccoon, that we affectionately named George Cooney, in my back yard that i feed meatloaf and human growth hormones has latched onto my truck and that little beast weights 50lbs soaking wet.

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actual picture of my truck. arrows pointing to obvious 47lb raccoon claw marks embedded in side of truck. (me in reflection proves picture is authentic)

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how about this little gem? actually not to bad looking as a still picture. actually...this picture probably doesnt prove my point...

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but this does...

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WHERE DID THE FUCKING TAIL GO DRAGON WARS???

in conclusion, besides being riddled with an all star cast including that one guy from Roswell, Max Cherry from Jackie Brown, and motherfucking Darryl...

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this movie was worse than having leeches shoved into my urethra.

did i mention that this delightful montage of poop was the 2008 nominee for best visual effects at the asian film awards? <- meanwhile in asia....

one more thing...was the "D-WAR" after the title really necessary? for fucks sake...

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Guess whos back in the m*therf*ckin blog.

what it dew my fellow carbon based lifeforms? whats really hood like? i haven't updated this blog in so long that i actually forgot that i had it... embarrassing yes, but at the same time since i forgot about it, it was like Christmas when i found it! i've had so much random, non-music related shit on my mind for the past few months. using Facebook takes the edge off, but i can only blurt out shit. besides, thanks to my family Facebook has basically become a place for people to subliminally talk shit about each other. you know...kinda like how xbox live is where pussies gather to talk shit to men that they would never even make eye contact with in real life? fkn newbs. besides the random hilarity that is my life, sans maryjane, nothing real spectactular has happened recently. well...on a not so personal level that i would share it with the people who read this. or person cuz i know that Jake Busey has been bugging me daily about something new to read while hes in the bathroom. there it is people...enough with the pleasantries. now im going to google "wtf" for this weeks INTERNET BREAKDOWN!

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listen...or uh...read, i know this shit isnt new. you have probably all seen a coworker, classmate, preacher or mailman with a fucking bagel implanted in their forehead right? i know that body mods have become all the rage within the "daddy never hugged me" crowd. i get it, i personally feel that this is no worse than the extent that a hipster will go to not be mainstream. bagel aside...the picture is a plethora of top shelf fuckery. let me break this down even more...

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Exhibit A.
Zombie contact lens with a red featherish type of device protruding from the corner. the lens obviously covers the grainy surface of a wooden eyeball. possibly used to trick the retina scanner at the private cord blood banks in Africa. (assuming that she is a vampire and not just a chupacabra in a human suit. i can only assume that the featherish device is helping this particular creature keep its balance as only yaweh knows what kind of affect surgically implanting a bagel into your forehead has on your cerebellum. plus if you have ever watched the original wipeout, then you know that asians are already top heavy. no racial.

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Exhibit B.
from what i can tell this is a tattoo of a ship, probably one of Zheng He's ships depending on how old this order of vampire is...or it could be one of the Seagallop Ferries that run between Vermilion City in Kanto, depending on what color pokemon she plays on gameboy.

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Exhibit 3.
fangs, obviously real. just by eyeing the sample and with no carbon dating, i can see that one of the maxillary central incisors is made of hippopotamus ivory, commonly confused for wood. dating this creature back to the early 1700's.

of course there are other disturbing modifications to this species but i think i have covered the important ones...atleast from a cryptozoology stand point.

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i actually never knew that they detached like that.

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the only reason that a leprechaun is standing in this picture right now is because Justin did acid. also im fairly good with faces and i can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that that is Rass Kass packing that bong, but im not sure why he is wearing Anthony Hamilton's clothes.

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so..if she is simply big boned, then why is there an elephant femur growing inside her stomach cavity? obviously another failed attempt at doppleganging by the scientists floating in Prometheus above Solaris.

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OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Man-Date Movie Review: Expendable

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welcome back gentleman and gentleman...to another installment of the man date movie review. today we will be visiting the testosterone filled guy movie, The Expendables.

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packed with your favorite action stars past and present this movie was obviously directed at your madula oblongMANda. This film was about a team of mercenaries, self dubbed the Expendables because of exactly how anyone employing them feels about their lives. Taking on an almost impossible mission given to them by John Mcclane, (only because Dutch was too busy to take the job.) to kill a former CIA agent (Alex Grady) that went rogue and is now strong arming a small country into becoming his own personal coke distribution center. Of course Lt. Raymond Tango figures out after a single recon mission that the mission is not going to be possible but while trying to escape the slightly attractive spanish connect they were working with(cuban, puerto rican...i forgot what island they were on.) gets captured by the henchman army. going back to the mainland John Rambo decides that he is going to go back on his own. of course his always loyal, and money hungry team decides that they are going back with him. from there on it is a kill fest, guns flashing, grenades going on...pure man shit. The guns they have in the movie are amazing...especially the aa-12 that Latrell Spencer from white chicks had oh and Adrian Brody used it in Predators.(didnt ever hit anything with it so it was a waste.) it was menacing and made me want to join the military for the 13% chance that i might be able to shoot one someday. the explosions were huge, the deaths were cool and there was alot of it. Jet-li and Randy Coutour played fairly small parts in this movie but both got some nice kills including get lee almost kicking someones head off, and The Natural beating the fuck out of Stone Cold and throwing him into a fire...oh yeah dolph lundgren was in the movie too...he's a good guy who is on crack...or acid and turns into a bad guy. its obvious that it is going to happen from the opening scene so i didnt ruin anything for you.

now there is a man-date movie review traditions...(two if you count pounding a beer in the parking lot) that we always call which actor we are going to be thruout the movie. remember like when you were kids? well im not a kid...but i have fun. I immediately picked Turkish...i mean come on, you already know if he is in a movie people are gona atleast get beat down with a rope. Marcus decided he was going to be Rocky, being as he is the lead i guess he figured that he would get the most action. (poor choice.) and Tony kinda got stuck with jet-Li. although he did want to trade to Terry Crews after Terry mowed down a whole platoon with the aa-12...it was too late. because of a slight disagreement between Marcus and i about who had more kills...i decided to look it up online and here is what i got.

from http://www.heyuguys.co.uk/2010/08/12/the-legends-of-expendables-body-count-just-how-many-people-have-they-killed/

Sylvester Stallone – Approximate kills in The Expendables: 60

Jason Statham – Approximate kills in The Expendables: 80

and for you tony...

Jet Li – Approximate kills in The Expendables: 30

there was also a pie chart that i found very interesting...it added up all of the kills that the actors in Expendables racked up thruout their careers.

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the govna. no big surprise.

i give this movie an 8 out of 10. the script sucked unless it was Jason Statham, Terry Crews or Jet-Li talking. The set was okay, i would've preferred more scantly clad Spanish women. the movie started out boring but was non stop action the 3/4 of the movie. Sly's truck was dope. (i watched it be built at west coast customs). the guns were FRESH, kills were plentiful. the only thing it lacked being a man movie....was some TnA. Sly please remember that when making part two, man movies consist of guns, killing, cars and biiiiioooottches. dont ruin the recipe.

music.

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